writer’s block

i know i was supposed to be telling a story about us. about how i found myself in a relationship that i cannot escape from.

how can i leave someone who loves me and does so much for me? yet, how can i love myself so little, as to deny myself of my natural instincts. sometimes i really crave and want to be with a man. i want to feel myself against someone hardier, sturdier and stronger. i’m rather sexually frustrated, in so many many ways.

i read a friend’s blog recently – a rather plain girl, who found love, got married and is now preggers. i can’t believe i fancied her simple life. i found it incredible that she is so happy… and contented with such simplicity. a no-frills wedding. a boring looking bloke. a holiday within the country. yet they seem so blessed. so happy. because they have each other and now they have a baby on its way.

of course, i’m a much more demanding woman. i want a man who can provide because i know how capable i am. i can give, i can perform and i am quite the cherry on top of the icing. i want a husband who’s kind yet firm. and loving yet strong headed. i want him to be a leader. i want him to teach me the ways of our religion. i want him to be patient and responsible. silent yet commanding. i want him to show me how to be better. i want to be a better person with him than without. and in turn, i will be the most amazing wife ever.

maybe that’s too much to ask for? maybe. but i don’t think i’m ready to care for someone as much as i care for myself.

….and what about her?

i’d hate to think that she could be all alone in this.

then again, what if i end up all alone?

i need to stop thinking about it. i need to end this.

will i still love you?

Will I still love you when you’re no longer young and beautiful
Will I still love you when you’ve got nothing but your aching soul
I doubt I will, don’t know if I will
I doubt that I will
Will I still love you when you’re no longer young and beautiful?

What does it mean to love someone? Is it a fact? How do you determine that it’s a fact? Through research, experience? Is it a feeling that you just have to feel – and not have to prove?

I’ve often wondered if I love her the way I would love a boy. With a man, I can think about building us a lifetime together.

Fact is, a marriage is defined as a the formal union of a man and a woman, typically as recognized by law, by which they become husband and wife, since the beginning of time.

Gay marriage? Having to put the word “gay” in front of “marriage” completely changes the meaning of a marriage. I think that a union between a man and a man should be called something else. And a union between a woman and another should also be called something else. It does not deserve to be called a marriage. Simply because it goes against the fact.

So how do i know that i love her, if i also know that this arrangement, this experience is completely temporary?

The initial pull

It’s common among women to admire other women. It could be the way she talks, or the way she walks. Her long legs, her successful career. Her gorgeous hair or her casual flair. There’s a whole lot to be desired in us women.

Personally for me, since I was just a kid of maybe 8 or 9, I found myself to be strangely fascinated with breasts. I like the way it bounces ever so slightly as you walk. And I absolutely loved it when Kathleen de Leon’s (from Hi-5) segment came up on tv… cause that meant I could go check out her perky nipples that aways seem to be trying to break through her shirt. Oh poor nipples, why are you constantly held captives in the god awful bra??

If I am a man writing this, you would probably think that I have creepy mommy issues. But because I’m a woman… I suppose my fascination is what some might even call… liberating. What is wrong with a woman appreciating another woman’s beauty… albeit a little sexually. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t go through the whole of my primary school life thinking about breasts. It’s more of an out of sight and out of mind thing. Somewhat like dessert. If it’s served to you after dinner, enjoy it! If there is no dessert, no biggie. Won’t miss it.

As i progressed on to my teenage years (ahhh… rebellion), i started clubbing and that was when i started making out with other girls. Very pretty girls. Well, mostly because it got the attention of guys and also because making out with a very sexy clubber with moves is a very good distraction away from my god-awful moves. oh yeah, i guess i could have just taken dancing lessons or practice with youtube dancing videos but whattheheck i decided to kiss girls.

I enjoyed kissing girls. I like how much sweeter they taste and how much softer they are. Was i aroused? Hard to tell because the main intention was really to get a guy send me home (so i wouldn’t have to pay for the midnight cab home). When girls kiss each other to put on a show, there was always an unspoken rule that we must not touch each other where it could be uncomfortable – no boob grabbing, no accidental slip into the other girl’s panties.

While I have personally no interest in a lady’s nether regions at that point in time, I have always, ALWAYS wanted to know what another girl’s breasts would feel like. I wanted to see her nipple. And compare areolas. I’ve always been paranoid about the size and colour of my own and as a result, i make it a point to ask all my boyfriends if it looks normal to them. If you are wondering why I didn’t just go and watch myself some porn for research… get this – i’m quite a prude. The idea of watching a man penetrate another woman is just…. creepy and at that time, i’d rather not risk having to see anything i’d regret while scrolling through the page. I still find it creepy now, even though i do enjoy the occasional x-art video (hee).

So that’s how the experimenting began.

This current relationship that I am in with Pris, is the first for me with a girl. I have never been emotionally involved nor invested with any other woman before her.

What is really hurting me now… is the fact that as much as I love Pris, i know that I can never be truly satisfied. I wonder if i should give myself another chance to be with a man. But how can I, when I love her?

I’ll write more about how we ended up together in the next post 🙂

Why I’m Writing

I feel like I need an outlet to be true to myself (how ironic, i’m writing under a pseudo name so that i can write as honestly as I possibly can and protect the identities of the people mentioned).

I’ve read plenty of stories about homosexuals coming out and I’m not sure if I really am one, to begin with. Now, before you jump into the conclusion that I’m just another greedy bisexual who wants both ends of the world…

Here’s a brief fact sheet about me:

  1. I’m twenty four and living on a sunny little island in Singapore
  2. My parents will flip if they find out that I’m dating a girl
  3. I’m flipping because i like boys but I’ve been dating a girl for more than 3 years
  4. Yes, i’m educated and i’d like to think i make very smart decisions

So there. Typing all this down makes me feel a little better. Also, i’m a virgin. I’m not sure how to explain this. Most of my close pals will never believe me anyway, they think i’m sexually active.

Thing is, I’ve dated plenty of guys. Big penises, medium penises. Thick ones, normal ones, ones that fit nicely in my palm… yes I have seen them all. Most of the time I am being forced to get a grip on them. Not that i hate having to handle a man’s junk… nor do i get turned off my them, i am one of those rare people who find intimacy a pain in the ass (and i’m not even a gay boy har har)

In all honesty, I have always been one to tune out right smack in the throes of passion. Of course, it irks my exes a whole lot. Imagine this: Your boyfriend’s on top of you, you can feel him getting hard as he puts his mouth to your breasts and tease your nipples with his rough, manly tongue. Oh yes, yes… you are enjoying it! you’re moaning and then…. you find yourself thinking of the most mundane things like caterpillars crawling on a leaf and a piece of dry toast. The moaning stops and your body stops quivering in pleasure. Before you realise it, your man storms off into the bathroom, leaving you dry (and far from high). Has it ever happened to any of you before?

Now, it can’t be that all the guys I’ve met were horrible at foreplay. They all seem to be very much settled in their own relationships. I’m the one who usually gets them all frustrated. I like to crack jokes and laugh in bed. i guess deep in my heart of hearts, i just wanted them to stop tinkling with my privates (oh goodness guys, quit poking, it doesn’t work that way) and just wrap their arms around me. i like cuddling. i like the smell of a man.

I’ve always thought that this was one of the reasons why they all leave. because i’m terrible in bed and no guy could ever see a real future with me.

Let’s see, i’m not domesticated. i know how to work a pun better than a pan. i also have a strong aversion to children. my relationship with children should not extend beyond that of a panda in an enclosure and its audience. That being said, if i do end up married, i would very much like the option to have kids. I am in no hurry to tie up my tubes or anything. As a result, I have been dumped quite a number of times. Left me heartbroken once. A certain Mr L (more about that in some other post, maybe).

Since then I have reflected, analyzed and dissected my past relationships. I try to make it work with the next boy but somehow, something’s always wrong. Maybe i have always came on too strong. Maybe i was too fat. Maybe too nonchalant. Too busy, too rash. Too impatient, not understanding, “my mother doesn’t like you”, “i’m looking for someone i can marry”… and more.

The truth is simple. I was just too fucking wrong for them, that’s what.

My relationships usually start because they found me interesting. It ends because I wasn’t what they were looking for. When it’s not there, it just isn’t. Men don’t love women the way women can love men.

Women forgive. Men just… take advantage of that. Now, i used to get angry when i think of how men can shake things off so easily. Don’t they go home after a date and want to re-hash the whole night in their heads, the way I want to with my girlfriends?

After being with a girl (my longest relationship by far), I am slowly understanding the male psyche just a little bit more. I’m not claiming to be an expert. But it is what I have learnt and what I’d like to share with all you girls out there. And if I somehow have male readers, I’d like your feedback. I’d like to know if i’m starting to think like a male.

Why don’t you check this space for more updates in a bit? 😉