I feel like I need an outlet to be true to myself (how ironic, i’m writing under a pseudo name so that i can write as honestly as I possibly can and protect the identities of the people mentioned).
I’ve read plenty of stories about homosexuals coming out and I’m not sure if I really am one, to begin with. Now, before you jump into the conclusion that I’m just another greedy bisexual who wants both ends of the world…
Here’s a brief fact sheet about me:
- I’m twenty four and living on a sunny little island in Singapore
- My parents will flip if they find out that I’m dating a girl
- I’m flipping because i like boys but I’ve been dating a girl for more than 3 years
- Yes, i’m educated and i’d like to think i make very smart decisions
So there. Typing all this down makes me feel a little better. Also, i’m a virgin. I’m not sure how to explain this. Most of my close pals will never believe me anyway, they think i’m sexually active.
Thing is, I’ve dated plenty of guys. Big penises, medium penises. Thick ones, normal ones, ones that fit nicely in my palm… yes I have seen them all. Most of the time I am being forced to get a grip on them. Not that i hate having to handle a man’s junk… nor do i get turned off my them, i am one of those rare people who find intimacy a pain in the ass (and i’m not even a gay boy har har)
In all honesty, I have always been one to tune out right smack in the throes of passion. Of course, it irks my exes a whole lot. Imagine this: Your boyfriend’s on top of you, you can feel him getting hard as he puts his mouth to your breasts and tease your nipples with his rough, manly tongue. Oh yes, yes… you are enjoying it! you’re moaning and then…. you find yourself thinking of the most mundane things like caterpillars crawling on a leaf and a piece of dry toast. The moaning stops and your body stops quivering in pleasure. Before you realise it, your man storms off into the bathroom, leaving you dry (and far from high). Has it ever happened to any of you before?
Now, it can’t be that all the guys I’ve met were horrible at foreplay. They all seem to be very much settled in their own relationships. I’m the one who usually gets them all frustrated. I like to crack jokes and laugh in bed. i guess deep in my heart of hearts, i just wanted them to stop tinkling with my privates (oh goodness guys, quit poking, it doesn’t work that way) and just wrap their arms around me. i like cuddling. i like the smell of a man.
I’ve always thought that this was one of the reasons why they all leave. because i’m terrible in bed and no guy could ever see a real future with me.
Let’s see, i’m not domesticated. i know how to work a pun better than a pan. i also have a strong aversion to children. my relationship with children should not extend beyond that of a panda in an enclosure and its audience. That being said, if i do end up married, i would very much like the option to have kids. I am in no hurry to tie up my tubes or anything. As a result, I have been dumped quite a number of times. Left me heartbroken once. A certain Mr L (more about that in some other post, maybe).
Since then I have reflected, analyzed and dissected my past relationships. I try to make it work with the next boy but somehow, something’s always wrong. Maybe i have always came on too strong. Maybe i was too fat. Maybe too nonchalant. Too busy, too rash. Too impatient, not understanding, “my mother doesn’t like you”, “i’m looking for someone i can marry”… and more.
The truth is simple. I was just too fucking wrong for them, that’s what.
My relationships usually start because they found me interesting. It ends because I wasn’t what they were looking for. When it’s not there, it just isn’t. Men don’t love women the way women can love men.
Women forgive. Men just… take advantage of that. Now, i used to get angry when i think of how men can shake things off so easily. Don’t they go home after a date and want to re-hash the whole night in their heads, the way I want to with my girlfriends?
After being with a girl (my longest relationship by far), I am slowly understanding the male psyche just a little bit more. I’m not claiming to be an expert. But it is what I have learnt and what I’d like to share with all you girls out there. And if I somehow have male readers, I’d like your feedback. I’d like to know if i’m starting to think like a male.
Why don’t you check this space for more updates in a bit? 😉